I’m back from the Cape and That Old Cape Magic and what a rude homecoming it was. While I was there, I got a phone call too good to be true and it looked like my first real estate deal was going to come to together. After the past few months, it gave me a second wind and almost gave me courage to go back to work and get my business going again.
Naturally, by 3pm yesterday the deal had fallen apart and I was in a downward spiral. I know, I know. This is the part where I apologize for having feelings and I say, “I know you’re tired of hearing about it” but the reality is that there’s really only about seven of you…and one is in Russia (hello, Russian reader…you seem to like my post about Orzo. Let me know if you need help), so I’m going to talk about it anyway.
So, first, I spent three hours sobbing (and yes, my body IS still suffering from Cry-Eye Fatigue Syndrome) and then decided to make dinner for my mom and CDR.
White wine marinated chicken-add white wine to a bag of drumsticks with garlic, salt, pepper, and a little olive oil, and fresh sage and lavender (from our rooftop garden).
Brown it skin side down in a pan and then add half of the marinade. Bake in an oven at 350 for 25 minutes.
While it cooked I made a caprese salad with heirloom tomatoes grown in our garden. These were the sweetest tomatoes I have ever tasted. Delicious.
Mmm, mmm, good!
Served up the chicken with the rest of the marinade that I boiled away (with a splash of honey) and the salad.
It was delicious and Lord knows I needed a win.
Then I drove my mom home and on the way I felt that wave of overwhelming anxiety and disappointment crash down on me like I was a little cartoon coyote and a piano fell out of the sky, at the hands of a universe road runner playing for shits-and-gigs. (I’ve always been more of a dog person than a bird person and have always sided with the coyote. That is one sneaky, snarky, bird)
I know, I know. “Stop complaining.” Ok, shut-up. Calm down and go home. I’m not complaining; I’m venting because shit is hard and has been hard and usually I’m pretty great about having a temper tantrum and saying, “but look at the bright side” or “tomorrow is another day” or “get back on the horse.” And you know what, I will. I will say those things…but I’ll say them tomorrow.
Alright, I’m being defensive, I know. I just want permission to wallow for a bit.
Anyhoo, on my drive home every possible self-deprecating thought ran through my brain. “What the fuck were you thinking? Why the HELL did you do this?” And then the natural progression to blame. He did this. (*Spoiler–I know he didn’t)
“If it wasn’t for you, I never would have changed careers. If you hadn’t literally changed EVERYTHING about my world, maybe this would have been easier. If it wasn’t for YOU, I wouldn’t feel like I was drowning.”
But if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have taken these risks. I mean, maybe I would have. But really, maybe not. Yeah, I’m having a miserable day and miserable temper tantrum, but I suppose I’m glad I did this. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’m proud of myself. So..thank you. You’re still a fuckhead, and I’m still mad at you, but thank you. I guess. You aren’t reading anyway.
Okay, I’m not even making sense anymore. Bottom line: I’m trying. It’s hard acting cool in front of parents, family, friends and CDR when really, I’m freaked out about money and I’m freaked out about moving forward and staying stuck and yada yada.
Phew. Ok. I can do this. Tomorrow. Back in the saddle, back on the floor taking calls.
Just what the doctor ordered.
Shoot. I just want to be a writer. That was the most fun I had all day.
That and making oatmeal raisin cookies.